For me, it can be a time of picturing the people I’m about to be in connection with. Maybe it’s a group of people I’m going to be playing a game with. Maybe it’s colleagues planning an event together. Whatever it is, I mentally go through the people I’ll be with and hold them in care. I allow myself to anticipate meaningful connection with them. 

I also get specific with myself about how I want to show up in that space. Do I want to offer my ideas and inspirations freely? Do I want to allow ample space for other people’s ideas? What’s the appropriate balance in this particular group? What do they need from me, and are there reasons why this feels uncomfortable or vulnerable? It doesn’t take very long, but I spend a moment envisioning how I will show up with integrity. If the group has a covenant, those promises are a lovely guide for what people are expecting from me and what I can expect from them.

And if there’s someone in that group that feels challenging, I take note. If some part of me physically tenses up or feels protective when I picture that person, or if I feel a bit of anxiety or anticipatory frustration, I know that holding onto those things will limit my ability to foster meaningful connection. So, what do I need to do with that protectiveness or anger or pain?

Sometimes, I just need to realize that I’m expecting a person to be someone different than who they are. That isn’t fair to either of us. If they’re behaving covenantally and just offering the fullness of their authentic selves in a way I find annoying, that not on them. That’s for me to reconcile. Maybe I can admit that I have preferences while also releasing my judgment and preparing myself to graciously receive the authentic person who’s going to show up in that space. Maybe I can even find a lightness is releasing my demand that this person be what I prefer. Over time, maybe I even find an openheartedness that genuinely loves this person for who they are. All of that is my work to do. It doesn’t require anything from the other person.

Other times, though, there’s some legitimate pain. There’s been some disconnection or even harm between myself and another human being. It happens. All the time. It’s part of being in relationship. And it still hurts. I still want to be protective if that wound hasn’t received care. And honestly, sometimes that’s entirely my work to do. I might need to forgive someone. They might not even know that there’s a rupture or feel the same sense of disconnection I do. Can I forgive them and enter a space of connection with a fresh willingness to love and be loved? 

There’s a piece in one of the gospels where Jesus advises people to go and make amends with their sibling before bringing an offering to the altar. There’s wisdom in this advice. Our human relationships need intentional care and tending, and whatever we name the divine will wait for us. And also, sometimes we realize the need for some repair five minutes before a meeting or gathering, and we don’t feel like we have permission to put the plans of an entire group of people on hold while we mend something. 

In those moments, can I set aside the painful piece and make a plan for repair in the near future? Can I show up as fully as possible without ignoring the need to tend that particular relationship? And sometimes I find that just by doing this much intentional setting aside of a grievance, I’m able to feel deeper connection and the repair work becomes gentler and easier as a result. 

All of that is what I mean by spiritual weed pulling. Doing the work ahead of time to seek out the things that might get in the way of authentic connection, and recalibrating to who I most deeply want to be in the world. Rooting more deeply in my values and drawing sustenance—sustaining and sustainable nourishment—from the soil of my theology or spiritual center. Maybe you have some spiritual practices that allow you the space to do this work as well.