There was a big group of us. We had been spending a lot of time all together, and Shel suggested that we make dinner plans in smaller groups. Shel even volunteered to organize our possibilities, knowing the area pretty well.

A group of us signed up for the very extravagant sounding Hubcap Grill. But when we met in the lobby of our accommodations to carpool to the restaurant, a member of our group noticed that it was closed on Tuesdays. Every Tuesday.

We made other arrangements that were hasty and not as indulgent, but I was feeling angry at Shel. Why wouldn’t you check to make sure a place is open before setting up a group of people to eat there? Why take responsibility for organizing dinner groups if you aren’t going to be fully responsible?

As you might imagine, my resistance toward Shel was not really about dinner plans. My feelings of anger and resistance and disappointment were a bit over the top for a simple innocent mistake. Especially a mistake with plans that were easy to adjust.

After dinner, I reflected on why I was really angry. Why was I feeling hostility and resistance in this relationship? And I realized that there was something I had been holding on to for awhile. Something that Shel had done that was intended as helpful, but which had actually made a situation more difficult.

I thought I could just “suck it up” and get over it. Shel’s actions had made some things more time consuming and complicated for me, but I knew Shel had just been trying to help. I felt like I should be able to just forgive that and be gracious and move on.

But I hadn’t. I was still feeling frustrated and resistant toward Shel about this lingering conflict, and it was leaking out around this little oversight with dinner plans. And it was a conflict about which Shel wasn’t even aware, because I hadn’t said anything.

So, later that evening, I sat down with Shel, away from the larger group. I said something like, “I know you were trying to help when you did this thing, but it wound up complicating things a lot more. I’ve been working to get things back in shape, and I’ve been resenting you the whole time because it’s been really easy to blame you for how challenging this project is now. I knew I needed to say something, but I didn’t know how to say it cleanly. But I also know it’s still keeping us from being connected, so I’m just saying it messily.”

And Shel responded with understanding and a simple apology. And that was it. I named what was between us, and I owned the resistance and resentment I had been holding on to. Just by naming it and owning my part, the relationship could start being repaired.

When I feel resistance toward someone, it usually points to the exact place that I need healing or repair. I have to be willing to go there, which feels vulnerable. But repair can’t happen unless I’m willing to acknowledge what’s been ruptured.

How is your resistance connected to places where you need healing or repair?