I had a strange experience recently. I was chatting with someone in a coffee shop, when we were interrupted by a stranger who had a piece of paper in her hand.

“I’ve been watching you for the past twenty minutes,” she confessed, “and I made this sketch of you.” This artist chooses strangers in public spaces as unaware subjects. Afterward, she’ll get a picture of the person holding her drawing, and then let them keep the sketch.

To my knowledge, no one has stealth sketched me before. A lot of feelings come up when I learn that someone has been scrutinizing me for twenty minutes. And here’s the real kicker: I don’t think the sketch is a very good likeness of me! Maybe I moved around too much.

One of our basic needs as human beings is to be known. To be seen for who we are. Not only seen, but welcomed. Celebrated. When someone holds up a mirror to me, I want what they reflect to be both accurate and affirming. 

That doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, I don’t let people see me fully. I choose to hide who I am rather than be vulnerably authentic. Why would I conceal who I am if I want people to see and affirm the fullness of my being? Great question. 

Asking myself that question has—over time—empowered me to show up authentically more often. It still feels vulnerable sometimes, but what I hope to create in the world is best accomplished through a willingness to be vulnerably authentic. 

Sometimes, though, what people reflect back to me doesn’t feel accurate. Even when I’m not hiding who I am. It’s like they’re holding up a funhouse mirror, distorted by their own beliefs and assumptions. 

In those instances, I can look in my own mirror and do a little self-examination to see if what other people are reflecting back to me rings true. Just because somebody sees something as a flaw that needs to be corrected doesn’t mean I have to take on that particular self-improvement project.

But there are times when people hold up a mirror to me more lovingly, and it shows me things about myself that I don’t particularly want to see. Places where I’m reacting from my anxiety rather than responding from my deep values. Places where I’m not behaving with integrity to who I say I want to be. 

This kind of mirror work is important. If I want to live into a vision of greater wholeness for the world around me, I also have to live into a vision of greater wholeness for me. It doesn’t work well for me to try to heal external things and ignore the internal healing that needs to happen.

And for me, this kind of mirror work happens most easily in places where I feel brave enough to be fully authentic, and trusting enough to value the reflection of myself held up by loving people. 

Who do you trust to hold up a mirror for you? To do an accurate stealth sketch that shows you things about yourself you might not have noticed? How are you trying to heal the world around you without tending to your own reflection?