There is more to integrity than simply giving and keeping our word. That’s hard enough as it is, I know. But if I give my word to blazing through every stop sign I encounter, that commitment doesn’t have integrity with my values around interdependence and my care for other people. I can give my word to unhelpful or disconnecting things.
And that’s really what our protective promises are. We give our word to ourselves that “I
will always do x,” or “I will never be y,” because we believe those promises will keep us safe or make us acceptable or lovable. In reality, those promises are rooted in fears we have about ourselves and other people. So, when we keep those promises, we wind up robbing ourselves (and the people around us) of authentic connection.
In Sunday’s Water Ceremony, we renounced some of those protective promises and gave our word to new commitments. Some of those commitments were very clear affirmations of our congregational covenant or Unitarian Universalist values. Others were very personal. As we consider the things we’ve given our word to, reflecting on the roots of those promises can be very helpful.
I’ll just take one anonymous commitment as an example of how you might engage in your own spiritual practices. Someone made a memorable promise to “swim out of my lane in order to make sure things get done.” I’m paraphrasing because I didn’t memorize all the things you all wrote down, but let’s use this commitment as a coaching example. You can use this as a template for reflecting on your own commitment.
There are a lot of reasons I can swim out of my lane. I might feel courageous and willing to take risks in the context of my community. Maybe I feel safe enough to do unfamiliar things because I know people will still love and accept me. Maybe I recognize that I’ve been dancing around the edge of the pool and not really diving into meaningful co-creation, or I feel bottled up or restricted in what I’ve been allowing myself to offer.
On the other hand, I could swim out of my lane because I’m panicking about how someone else is swimming. Maybe I fear things won’t get done if I don’t do them. Or that they won’t get done right. What is the emotion at the root of the promise? What feelings fuel my commitment? We can ask these kinds of questions about any of the commitments we make.
There are also different ways that I can swim out of my lane. I can move in a way that supports and uplifts other people, or I can swim in a way that elbows people in the face. I can let people know I’m available and willing to collaborate, or I can take charge and leave other people out of the conversation.
Our times of contemplation can include those kinds of questions, too: How am I being when I live into this commitment? What does it feel like to keep this particular promise? Does it feel life-giving? Does it make me more anxious? What kind of feedback do I receive from others? Does this promise or commitment help me be more deeply connected? Or does it feel separating and disconnecting?
Sometimes we give up bad habits and replace them with new bad habits. Sometimes we give our word wisely. When we engage in a reflective life, we can examine the things we’ve given our word to and consider what is at the roots of that promise. If something other than our life-affirming values is there at the root, we can recognize it, release it, and consider what kind of values-rooted commitment we might grow instead.
It is in these reflective practices that centering liberating love can become a powerful guiding force for how we show up as individuals and as a community.
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