Up until we arrived, the story I was aware of telling was: I want a buffalo chicken sandwich. I’ll go get one, and I’ll enjoy it. Except that there is another story—a set of stories really—that are always running in the background. They aren’t stories I believe in any sort of intellectual sense. But they are stories that could quite easily determine my thoughts and behavior if I let them.

The new, unfamiliar place with buffalo chicken sandwich on the menu was loud. Someone told us to sit anywhere we wanted, and there was an open table available. But it was really loud. And it took a long time for anyone to notice us and bring us menus. The person who took our drink order brought out something different than what we ordered and told us our server would come by to take our food order. Then we waited in the loud restaurant with drinks that weren’t quite what we wanted. We waited for what seemed like a long time. Eventually, we tried to just pay for our drinks and leave, but the bartender admitted that they were really busy and apologized that we had been waiting for so long. We didn’t get charged for the drinks.

One of the stories I tell is: Other people’s needs and wants are more important than mine. It’s an old story. It’s a first formation kind of thing. I know it’s one of those old records playing in the background, and I often recognize it now when part of me wants to believe that story. 

There’s a related story that plays alongside that one. It’s just as old, and just as much of a lie, but it’s also been playing in the background a long time. My needs and wants don’t matter. And I can’t let them matter, because if I do, I’m going to be hurt or at least disappointed.

It gets even better, though. Because in my first formation this lie that my needs and wants don’t matter easily became I don’t matter. Other people’s wants and needs are more important than mine, because… I don’t matter. And if I act like I matter and expect someone to provide what I want or need, I’m just going to be proven wrong. Worse than that: If I demand that my needs and wants are just as important as other people’s, I’ll be abandoned. It isn’t safe for me to act like my needs or wants matter.

I’ve done a lot of work around these old stories. When I wasn’t aware they were part of my narrative, they caused a lot more pain. Now, I recognize them more quickly when they try to take the driver’s seat. I have ways of caring for myself and telling different stories—stories that are based on what I really believe about myself. Stories that are rooted in my values. Stories that are more empowering.

But at the end of an emotionally full day, when my body and my brain were tired, and I just wanted a very particular bit of comfort food, what I got instead was a loud room where I was ignored. Abandoned, in a way. Proof positive of all those old stories. So we went somewhere else close by. Someplace that didn’t have buffalo chicken sandwiches on the menu. And I ordered something else. In other words, I didn’t get what I wanted. 

I could make a lot of meaning from that chain of events. I can decide that it’s OK for me to not get what I want. I can tell more disempowering stories. I can be angry and entitled. I can be the victim of my story. I can make other people the villains. Or I can decide that I still get to ask for what I want. I can go someplace else and try again to order a buffalo chicken sandwich. I can tell a story of delayed gratification in which I still get what I want after a bit of disappointment.

Or, I can make myself a buffalo chicken sandwich the next day and enjoy it in my own space. Which is what I did. Not only is it OK for me to name what I want, I can also be responsible for offering myself care. Which is a way of repairing that old disconnection that suggests I shouldn’t want or need anything. 

What old stories are playing in the background of your life? How do they influence your thinking and behavior? What would it take for you to tell different stories? More honestly empowering stories? Stories that flow from your values instead of your fears?  

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