After some experience in which I felt rejected or embarrassed, I make meaning that I’m somehow unacceptable. So I decide that I can’t be vulnerably authentic, because I’ll just get rejected or embarrassed again. I make a protective promise that I’ll always be likable. Through observing other people, I adopt behaviors and attitudes that I interpret as safe and acceptable. Then, instead of showing up with my sincere feelings and ideas, I show up in a way that I think will get me what I need from other people, namely acceptance and belonging.

The tricky part, though, is that what gets accepted in that kind of scenario isn’t really us. It’s the persona we’ve adopted in order to be acceptable. In other words, a “false self.” We might even adopt different ways of being with different groups of people. Different “selves” to feel safe or lovable in different settings.

And maybe for you, a “false self” developed a little differently. Maybe someone insulted you and there was no one sympathetic around to ease that hurt, so you decided you needed to be invulnerable, thick-skinned, unwoundable. It’s hard to be meaningfully connected in interdependent relationship if your autopilot habit is to be invulnerable and detached. Or maybe you learned that being safe meant hiding, so you never let people notice you or hear your voice. 

If we accept that we tend to create a false self as a result of our protective promises, what defines a true self? I continue to go back to Dr. Richard Schwartz, who has studied this kind of thing in a wide array of human beings. Schwartz observes that “Self energy” is a constellation of qualities like Calm, Curious, Compassionate, Confident, Connected, Courageous, Creative, and Clear. He also notes that when a person can show up as a true Self, they’re able to have Presence, Patience, Persistence, Playfulness, and Perspective. 

This is useful to me in a number of ways. For one thing, it helps me recognize when I’m showing up as a false self, because I’m displaying different qualities than those 8Cs and 5Ps. These constellations of qualities also give me a place to reorient toward. I can ask questions like, “What do I need in order to be more curious or compassionate in this moment?” And even just asking the question can help me shift to a more authentic sense of presence. The framework can also help me identify a protective promise that gets in the way of me showing up in a way that embodies my values. 

“Why am I not showing up as connected or courageous or patient right now?” 

Because I feel attacked by someone’s words and I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

“Is there a protective promise I’ve made about defending myself against people’s words?”

Yes. I think I promised myself I would always look and sound as powerful as possible to scare people away when I feel threatened. 

“Am I really at risk of harm from the words or opinions of another person?”

Probably not, but it feels really unpleasant and uncomfortable.

“Is there something in my values that might invite a more centered vulnerable connection?”

Yeah. There is. I guess I’m safe enough to try it even though it feels scary.

And that internal dialog or invitation toward reorienting can happen in the space of a second. Or it might happen three days later as I reflect on some experience. Or three years later if I’m not accustomed to doing this kind of work. Knowing how I show up as a false self let’s me know when I need to reorient my way of being. Knowing what I consider to be qualities of my true self gives me a landmark to orient toward. 

How would you describe the true Self of our congregation? Do Schwartz’s 8Ps and 5Cs still describe how we aspire to be as a community? What are some of the false selves we present as a collective body? What do you think we’re trying to protect? 

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